Let me start off saying how much I love coffee. I LOVE COFFEE. I may have an addiction, but I keep it clean. Only one medium cup in the morning. Whole milk and real sugar. I gave up aspartame two years ago as a new years resolution.  No cups in the afternoon, I can’t handle the caffeine. But like I said, yes, I am an addict.  I must have my coffee every morning, before I get to work. I like to sip it on the subway.  I don’t have time to make my own. I get to work late as it is! I must have that coffee when I leave my house. And sadly if I am  running five minutes late to work, I am still going to get my morning coffee (I hope no one I work with is reading this). So anyway, since I moved to Forest Hills about six months ago, I have only one freakin deli near my subway. Calling it a “deli” is actually really nice of me. It basically just sells lotto tickets, newspapers, cigarettes, and prepackaged pastries (hohos, yodels, etc). There’s actually an empty store front right before the deli that I pray one day will become a Dunkin Donuts. When I lived in Astoria last year, I had soooo many options- Starbucks on the corner, the one dollar roach coach, Dunkin across the street, and the little diner right before the train.  Now all I have is this crappy deli *sigh*. The coffee is okay. I would like it to be a bit hotter, but I deal. A few weeks ago the stupid deli girl made the coffee wrong, so when I walked in- no coffee was ready for me.  I was totally willing to wait for the new coffee to be made. I was fuming. I paced back and forth for about five minutes, then super frustrated I walked out and got on the subway. No coffee in hand. I felt my mouth getting dry. I mean, I’m like Pavlov’s dog. I have programmed myself to expect that morning cup of coffee. Lets just say I was a very unhappy girl that whole day.  So today I walked in (it’s a Sunday). The coffee smelt burnt and there was a dead roach in the fridge with the milk and a live roach on the countertop next to the sugar. I told the idiot sales guy and he really didn’t seem to mind. He was more interested in his phone conversation. So now I want to vomit. Did I drink the coffee? Yes I did. Because I’m an addict and I have no other coffee choices. There must be a better way.

So I went to Banana Republic today after work to buy a nice shirt for myself. I pick out the shirt, walk up to the cash register, and there is a guy getting rung up. Okay, fine. I can wait. Now there’s no one else waiting…or so I thought. There was one woman standing very far back. There’s no way she is waiting on line. She’s too far away. Probably waiting for the guy getting rung up. So I walk up in front of the counter and wait. And what happens….! In a nice, bitchy tone that woman who was standing like ten feet away was like- um I’m waiting on line.  Pleeeaaassseee. Okay, fine. I’ll stand behind you waaaaaaaaay over here. Then what happened?? Another dude gets on the line and is totally confused by these two women standing way far from the counter. Finally the cashier calls “next” and this dumb woman goes up to the counter. I rolled my eyes. I hate, I repeat, hate people that can’t stand on a line properly. Why couldn’t she have stood closer to the cashier so me and the other poor guy waiting on line knew she too was on line. Idiot. I hate people like her. And I’ve seen many in my time.

Here’s a quick rundown of my super exciting weekend in the Hamptons LI:

Celebrity Sighting Saturday

Being a human being means that at all times you will be bombarded with advertisements in every corner of your life. So as my cousin and I drove down a road in the Hamptons we couldn’t help but notice a huge bus covered in an ad for the new USA show Royal Pains. And who was in the ad on the huge bus? Ummm we forgot his name. That guy um he was on that show and in that movie. Whatever, he was hot we made note of that fact and continued on our way. Being the fat bastards that we are, we decided to stop and get some ice cream. So we’re sitting there in the shop and who the fuck walks in?!!?? Who you ask! THAT GUY!!! THAT GUY!! And yes he was THAT HOT. We totally played it cool, just quick glances. He, by odd chances walked into the same ice cream shop with his kids and woman. WEIRD! Mark Feuerstein- look him up.  Five bucks if you can guess his son’s name.

Subway Sunday

Being the cheap fat bastards that we are, my cousin and I decided to get a “healthy” sandwich from the chain restaurant Subway. There’s not much I can say about Subway. You’ve been to one, you’ve been to them all. 4 slices of meat, 2 of cheese, a few veggies and olives. “Ummmm excuse me, can I have some more olives?” Three more olives are added. Okay, I’ve learned you can’t get upset at this. It’s just the way Subway is. After all it is cheap- 5 dollar foot long (sing it). So anyway, this Subway experience was by far the worst experience I have ever had in any eating establishment. The “Sandwich Artist” rang up my sub and then walked around from behind the counter. This nasty bitch was not wearing any shoes! It was the nastiest thing I have ever seen. AND she had a nasty blue bandaid on her toe! WTF! It was truly nastier than Britney Spears barefoot in a public bathroom. Just thinking about this makes me ill.

Just about everyday, for lunch during work, I go to the same little deli around the corner on 32^nd St. I order the same turkey sandwich on whole wheat with honey mustard, side off pickles, and side of mixed veggies. Ok, fine. So here’s the part that makes me cringe- Because I’m a lazy bastard I usually never have cash on me and I have to pay with my debit card. So everyday the counter lady rings up my order, swipes my card…..and then…..here it comes….pulls a pen out of her nasty hair bun for me to sign the receipt with. What the hell! Ew, gross, yuck.  I try my hardest to only touch the very bottom of the pen, near the tip. I am so grossed out that the pen I must sign the receipt with comes from this lady’s nasty, greasy, nasty nasty, hair bun. I mean come on! This is a food establishment! Where’s the hair nets people! I should report this. Or maybe I should just bring cash.

I’m sick of people signing a note or an email with their first initial. Do you not have time to write your whole name?! Give me a break. It’s kinda like when people said “ciao” for goodbye. PaaaaaaaaaaLEASE. not cool.

So this has been bothering me for quite some time now. It’s the summer and in the summer most women wear cute open toe shoes. Most of the women wearing the open toe shoes also sport pedicures. (A popular color being red. The French Manicure is a little weird on toes but whatever) Now the thing that totally urks me is when I am in a situation where I am forced to look at a woman’s toes- the subway, under a bathroom stall, the salad line during lunch. First I see the shoes. Then I notice the pedicure, and then I notice… the nasty long claws that are attached to their toes! Perfectly pedicured claws! I don’t know if these women get their toes done in this manner or they just leave the nail polish on while their nails grow way past the end of their toes. On any toe (man or woman) the nail should not extend past the toe. There should always be a little bit of toe left after the nail. Most of the time, I only see this nasty phenomenon on the big toe. But today, on the subway, I glanced down and saw on every single toe- green airbrushed nails that were grown out way past the end of the toe. Is this a new hot look I haven’t heard about yet? We’re growing out our toe nails to match our long finger nails? Toe nails like this not only are gross but they are also seriously dangerous. If these women are married, in relationships, whatever, I feel bad for whoever is sleeping with them! Ouch! Ouch! Keep your feet to yourself. No sleep kicking. And those claws could actually get caught on the blanket grandma knitted you. Ew. I have not had one pedicure this whole summer and I wear a lot of open toed shoes. Some women are totally against the “naked toe”. I say “whatever” to that. At least I cut my toe nails.

Bloc Party- Price Of Gass

Yawning. Do you know how ugly you look when you yawn? I was on the subway yesterday checking out this not so bad looking guy when all of a sudden what did he do? Yawn. Man what a heinous face he made. One eye kinda squinted, double chin took form, his lower lip kinda got lost inside is mouth. This all lasted for a good seven horrible seconds. I had to check back a few minutes later to make sure he was still hot. Now imagine he was not so good looking? Yikes. Do me a favor -cover your mouth when you yawn, like sneezing, or coughing. Yawning etiquette. Oh! And have you noticed how so many people make this huge production out of their yawn? Hands up in the air, the “yawn sound”. Seriously, keep it to yourself.

Maxwell- Lifetime