What’s the deal with men sitting “spread eagle” on the subway?  Seriously, all men sit like this. They think the subway seat is their personal couch and I’m their little wife sitting next to them that they can knock their big fat knees into. Maybe it’s an instinctual thing. Like “you want a piece of this!”  “I’m a man, watch me grunt and show off all my glory!” Okay that was kinda gross, sorry. Anyways, when men sit with their legs totally spread out they take up not one but two whole seats. And they don’t care. Or they’re just too stupid to know that they’re taking up someone else’s leg space.  Like I said- all men! Young, old, blue collar, white collar, fat, skinny- all of them. I especially love when a man sits in the middle seat. So he’s in the middle with both of his legs totally spread out. So now both people on either side of him have to either knock knees or scrunch themselves to the edge of their seats, like I do. I do not want any nasty man legs touching mine, no thanks. Keep em closed, fellas!

Being 26, fabulous, and single I have decided it’s only logical that I start “dating”. Every time I talk to one of my girlfriends she always has a date planned. So I asked her- what’s your secret? Online dating, ta-da! OY. Ok, at first it seemed a little ridiculous to me. Maybe desperate. But the more I talked about it with people, the more I found out that a lot of people are doing it and many of my friends (male and female) are on a service. So I am not ashamed to say I have posted up a pic, and started “dating”.

Date 1: Nice, tall, yucky finger nails- not for me
Date 2: Nice, short, smallish features…kinda jocky-ish- not for me
Date 3: Good…
Date 4: Ridiculous
Ok. This guy was one of my top picks so I was actually looking forward to meeting him. His pics showed that he was tall, blond, my age, and one of the local “favorites”- I’ll call him James. Before we met and before we talked on the phone he wanted to chat online. Fine. And his IM name- EmperorJames. That should have been a clue to what kind of guy this is. So maybe he was a little cocky… He drove in from Long island to meet me at this lounge in Queens on a Friday. Half an hour late he walked in all frazzled saying how sorry he was for being late and that he was speeding and got a ticket blah blah blah- whatever. He looked like his pictures but I could tell the pics online were old. He looked very post- frat boy. So we sat and talked- he did most of the talking. Ok fine- he was decent. He asked me if I wanted to go somewhere else. Sure. We ended up at another lounge and being the light weight that I am, I started to get a bit drunk. Here we go. In the middle of him talking he stops and says “I have a question for you. Can I kiss you”? It was definitely awkward but because I had a few drinks in me I said sure. Thinking back now- GROSS. Yuck. Ew. He gets up to use the bathroom. Comes back 30 seconds later and says the line is long. “Can I use the bathroom in your apartment?” Thankfully I still had some sense in me and said “ummm the lines not that long”. I mean, give me a break. This guy thought he was ganna get some action. I’m sure he gets lots from other desperate online gals, but no thanks, not I. Two days later EmperorJames IMs me. We chat and he makes jokes about how I couldn’t take my hands off him. Ha…ha…he’s my buddy again. I guess I’ll go on a second date with him. A few days later I’m at work (actually busy) and he calls me. I let it go to voicemail. “Hi it’s James can you call me, I have a question for you” Ummmm I’m busy. About twenty minutes after he left the voicemail he IMs me. WTF. IM- Hi. Can I call you? It will only take five minutes. Fine. He was working at a home improvement store and didn’t meet his quota for signing people up for home improvements. (I thought he owned a company that set up charity events..hmm)
James: “Can you call this number, tell them you own your apartment, and want to set up an appointment to talk about renovating your home. In three days I’ll call you to remind you to cancel. It would really help me out.”
Me: “Um, I’m at work now and really don’t have time for this, call me later”
Who does that? I met him once. He should of asked his mom or a friend. Don’t ask a girl you went on one date with and wanted to “pee” in her apartment. I immediately blocked him from my cell phone and from my IM. Bye bye EmperorJames. And to top it all off, he texted me later that night and said he didn’t need my help anymore but thanks and he wouldn’t be offended if I gave him a call. PLEASE!

This “dating” thing is time consuming and people are just plain weird. I’m now going on a short dating hiatus and will start up again maybe mid March. Luckily I’m not too turned off by what happened. Dating…

Ruth Ann- Drive