Buddhist Bitch

Over the past two and a half months I immersed myself in Buddhism. Totally immersed myself. It excited me. I liked it because it is about being human and not relying on outside forces to rule your life-religion. So I feverishly started reading book after book. I sampled various Buddhist centers in the city. I’ve basically meditated all over Manhattan. The first place I tried was a group of hipster girls in a recreational center in the East Village. But I decided it was too “Buddha-lite”- Don’t push the guy on the train. That’s not nice. I wanted more. I wanted to dive into the depths of Buddhism. So I found myself at an Upper West Side center being led by a Buddhist Lama (shaved head, full robes) and everyone was bowing and chanting and one man was rubbing Vaseline on his hands….which is besides the point…. I admit I was a bit uncomfortable. I thought- damn, well now this is just too heavy for me! I guess it’s back to “Buddha-lite”. So I checked out a few more places. I even did a mini retreat at one of the Buddhist centers that lasted the whole weekend. Starting at 9am on both Saturday and Sunday. I really don’t know how I did it cause I can’t wake up before 8am on days I have to go to work. The retreat, I’ll admit it was slightly torturous and slightly enjoyable.

So here’s a few things I got out of Buddhism that have really helped me:

Suffering- Everyone’s suffering. The asshole guy at work that gave me problems- well originally I probably would of thought he was a big fat asshole and that’s that. Well now I can see deeper and see that well, maybe he’s an asshole because his wife is sick or maybe he was supposed to get a promotion and he didn’t. So I guess I’ve become more patient with people.

Hope as an obstacle- You can’t go on hoping for things. You can’t live in the future. You have to live in the NOW (I’m guessing everyone’s heard that before). You have to make the best out of your present situation. Step by step.

Impermanence- Everything’s changing. Which is good to think about when you’re in a crappy situation. Cause sometimes you can feel really stuck.

Attachment- This term I’m a little back and forth with but. Basically it means not getting too attached to things because I guess things come to an end and then you find yourself in misery. Your boyfriend breaks up with you and life as you know it is over. Well, maybe it’s painful but maybe you also have to find happiness in yourself. And once you have that confidence and happiness, your life won’t revolve around that guy. But also it’s nice to be attached I’d like to eventually be attached…

And meditation. I’ve welcomed that in my life. It centers me and slows things down.

So I really like the whole “psychological” aspect of Buddhism. But there’s just one little thing I have a problem with. The whole – have compassion for every sentient being. Which besides knowing your own mind/self, is the other HUGE side of Buddhism. I’m not a mean person but I’ve really thought about it and I don’t think I want rays of compassionate white light flying out of my ears. I want to say how much I despise New York City pigeons and that I hope they all die. And the weird people that feed them everyday, well I don’t hope they die but they are freaks and weirdos and I want to be able to say so. The girl that dresses like a hooker everyday in my apartment building- well, why should I hide my true feelings about her. I like to bitch and kvetch and complain. That’s who I am.

Hey, through this process I definitely have I become more compassionate. I used to HATE when I found a seat on the subway and then someone would see the open seat next to me and sit down. I used to be like- ugh, their gross jacket’s ganna touch me, etc. But now, oddly, I’m like-please, have a seat. You’re probably tired also and need to rest your feet. But I will say- fine, let them sit down, but if they stink or are gross, I’m not ganna hold that in. I’m ganna kvetch about it.

So maybe I’m just not ready to become a devout Buddhist. I’m just human. I have a lot of compassion but I’m not about to become the Dali Lama. Maybe I’ll just go back to being a Reform Jew. Sigh.